Transparency: The Enemy of Intimacy
Transparency: The Enemy of Intimacy
Are you oversharing?
“Transparency is the enemy of desire, and intimacy.” — Mary Harrington
Transparency: a word with almost saintly connotations. A saint, a spirit is transparent. We can see through them. There is nothing to hide; no deception. We hold transparency to be almost synonymous with honesty, and honesty is widely regarded as a good, moral value. However, are there situations in which we should dial up the opacity? Are there situations in which we should be less transparent? Less honest?
The suggestion of being less honest probably sets off alarm bells of virtue in your head. After all, it goes against everything we have been told since the early stages of infancy. Our parents, our teachers, our priests and pastors, always made clear to us that we should not lie - to do so is bad and sinful behaviour, which nothing good comes of.
Mr Parr, my English teacher in Year 8, enlightened us to the semantic difference between ‘telling the truth’ and ‘being honest’. He said you can tell the truth, whilst not being honest. Referencing the legal oath sworn in the courts, he said: to be honest is ‘to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’. Being honest does not just require you to not tell lies, but to proactively tell the whole truth about something, to be completely open - in other words, to be transparent.
Therefore honesty is transparency. And I am here today to tell you I have come to the conclusion that you should not always be honest, perhaps even rarely. You should consciously be dishonest. This has always been true (ironically). However in this world of constant interconnectedness, surveillance and exhibition, this is more true today than ever.
Opacity is not a new idea or practice, it has just been given a different label - privacy. Every day as darkness descends around the modern world, humans turn on the lights in their home, walk up to the windows and pull the curtains to. Why? Because we do not want to display the illuminated stage our home has become. Why not? Are we hiding some morally abject, or even just humiliating, actions? In some instances, but in large part no. It is not that we have anything to hide per se, it is just that we do not want to show. We want privacy, but more than that, we want intimacy.
Intimacy cannot exist in transparency - they are antonyms. Settling down around the TV with your family, or getting into bed with your partner, is intimate not just because of the closeness shared with one another, but because it is not shared with everyone else. You show elements of yourself, of your being, that you do not with other people, in other circumstances. You have conversations that you do not have with other people, in other circumstances. That is what makes these relationships, these moments, intimate - and consequently special.
If you sleep with 100 people in 100 days, then the act of sex is going to be much less special and meaningful the 101st time around, no matter who it is with. If you share your deepest darkest secrets with everyone you talk to everyday, then your confession to the 101st person you tell is going to be less special and meaningful, no matter who it is.
We are complex beings, with the ability to have deep, complex relationships. But we are not built to be able to have such relationships with an abundant number of people. Our mind, heart and soul only has so much processing power.
If the thought of keeping your curtains open with the lights on every single night makes you feel uncomfortable, then take a second to think about your presence online, and realise your public social media accounts are the virtual equivalents of you keeping the curtains open, times 100. We live in a world where everything is on display. We are more transparent than ever, and this is not a positive evolution.
Take an influencer couple, whose daily content regularly features each other, what they are doing together that day, and how they feel about one another, et cetera. There is so much shared with quite literally the world, that there is very little left for them. What is public, cannot be intimate. Yes, few (or rather less) couples are streaming their bedroom activities live to Instagram, but the point remains. Even with certain areas still kept behind closed doors, the relationship as a whole is largely out in the open, and therefore not intimate.
Someone who shares every aspect of their life on social media from their morning meditation, workout or yoga class, to their highest moment of elation and lowest moment of depression throughout the day, has nothing that is just their’s, and their family and friends’.
On the face of it more transparency may look like a good thing - the more honesty the better. However this is not how we are meant to live. It is not how people want to live, nor how we want other people to live. Robert Greene in both his Laws of Power and Art of Seduction talks about the importance of keeping certain elements of us reserved. He professes that too much familiarity ultimately leads to boredom and disinterest. We like the unknown. The unknown allows our imagination to play and exercise. This a beautiful experience to engage in; it maintains interest, intrigue and allure. Under this school of thought, Greene goes so far as to say you should even keep parts of yourself reserved from loved ones, for no one’s interaction but your own.
The latter may be a step too far, we are social creatures: it is important we are able to open up fully to those we love and that love us. In such circumstances, this is when transparency is beautiful. However it can also be ugly, there is darkness and pain within all of us that can maybe only ever be for our own self’s exhibition.
What is certain though is that we are becoming far too known to far too many. The online world has ripped down the curtains and put us on illuminated exhibition, direct to everyone’s phone screen. We are far too transparent, regardless of whether that transparency is an accurate visual of who we are and what we do. In that sense maybe transparency and honesty are not so synonymous. Honesty is by definition underpinned by truth, whereas transparency is not necessarily. Transparency means you can be seen through, whether what people are looking through is real or not is another matter.
In summary: we are in a crisis of intimacy. We are too transparent to those we are not close with, and (somewhat as a result) not honest enough we those we are. The truth of the matter is not everyone should know you, but without intimacy life is lonely. So as with everything in life, find the balance. Toe the line between transparency and opacity, and ensure intimacy.
Inspirational Individual of the Month
This section is dedicated each month to an individual who has inspired me in some way or another. The individual in question may be well known or known to me personally, they may be alive today, historic, or even fictitious. Whatever the case, I have gained inspiration from them and hope in sharing the individual and their story you can too.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr
We might lose some people here. The fact that this man is labelled as some conspiracy theory nutcase just goes to show the stronghold the powers at be have over people’s ideologies and abilities to think freely. Robert F. Kennedy is a presidential candidate in the US election, and a man that has been fighting to save humanity’s health for decades. Robert F. Kennedy has brought attention to the dangers of *certain* vaccines, and the catastrophic effects they have had on humanity. He also focusses passionately on the degradation of our environment through pollution, and the effect this has had not just on the environment and its wildlife, but on human health too.
RFK backs up every statement he makes with scientific evidence - nothing he says is unfounded. Despite the fervent dissent and calls of conspiracy against him, he has never been sued for slander or defamation. He is willing to debate anyone on the subjects he speaks and campaigns on. More importantly, he is willing to discuss these subjects with anyone, and to do so with an open mind.
At 70 years old, RFK is in phenomenal physical condition. You will not find a presidential candidate that is as open minded and willing to be as cooperative as him. You certainly will not find one in as good as shape as him, and ultimately as dedicated to helping human health as him.
These are the kind of the people that should be running countries. People that practice what they preach. People that put the health of humanity first, that are interested in truth rather than power, and that are interested in cooperation rather than division. How different would the world look with such people at the helm?
If you are interested in listening to RFK himself, I highly recommend watching his appearances on Joe Rogan, Lex Friedman and Rick Rubin’s podcasts.
Momentary Meditations
In this section I share things I have meditated or reflected on recently, some very deeply, some in momentary passings, some more serious and some rather silly. Just sharing them for whatever they are worth.
“Can I be both the gardener and the warrior?”
When you are preparing for competition and challenge, you are looking to be the most aggressive, violent and dominant version of yourself that you possibly can be. This is not a version of yourself that if taken into every other area of your life, is going to lead to optimal results in terms of your happiness, peace of mind and relationships. Finding a way to turn the kill switch off and on is something men have struggled with since the dawn of humanity. However it is imperative that we learn to. The answer is not to withdraw from competing, conquest-ing and challenging yourself, in order to sedate yourself into a state of harmlessness. It is imperative you have the capability to be a warrior, and to be so when necessary. Therefore you have to somehow find a way to flip the switch depending on the environment you are in and what is called of you. You have to find a way to be the gardener in Eden, and the warrior in Elena.
General Health Tip of the Month
This section contains a science-based protocol or piece of advice to benefit your general health day-to-day.
Hang Out
In the last general health tip of the month, we addressed the holy grail of lower-body mobility with the deep squat hold. This month we are continuing in the same vein for the upper-body with the dead hang.
The dead hang and deep squat are counterparts. Both movements require our limbs to hold position at the very end of their range of motion - a key distinction being the dead hang puts us into full extension, whereas the deep squat puts us in full flexion. The point is they require full range of motion from the joints involved.
A dead hang is great for unlocking tension from the shoulders, elbows, chest and back. Overhand is the traditional grip, however if you are suffering with a particularly tight upper back and/or rotator cuffs, then give underhand a try to create more external rotation in the shoulders, which will help open them out.
The dead hang is not only great for upper-body mobility, it is a brilliant tool for building grip strength and endurance. This is important not just for athletes but for everyone who wants to maintain a good quality of life into their older years. Grip strength is positively correlated with both lifespan and healthspan, as it is our grip that is responsible in many cases for stopping us falling over.
So regardless of age and athletic endeavour, make sure you are taking time to hang out. If you are looking for inspiration just watch our cousins effortlessly swinging through the trees to see how far we have physically fallen in this regard, and try to bring some of that back into your life. In terms of time, if you really want to commit to the hanging life, then aim for 5 minutes total per day - in however many sets that needs to be spread out over. In terms of times for a single hang, if you can build up to being able to hang for 2 minutes straight, that is a brilliant place to be and maintain as you progress through life.
Athletic Performance Tip of the Month
This section contains a science-based protocol or piece of advice to help you maximise your athletic performance.
CNS Programming
Maybe the biggest problem for athletes who do not have a full-time, experienced trainer overseeing them 24/7, is that they do not know how to program their training effectively. This goes from the differentiations of being in-season, out of season or in pre-season, to how to go about structuring their sessions each week.
Until last year I myself was in this very boat, and then I came across the CNS (central nervous system) focussed principles of programming. The crux is this: you cannot be training every day in a way that is taxing your central nervous system to a high-level. This is how you end up overtraining and underperforming. You need to figure out how many days a week you are able to put a high tax on your CNS. You need to make the most out of those days, and then ensure you keep the other days in your programme low-stress CNS training, so your CNS can recover whilst you still make the most out of your training.
So what makes a session high stress for the CNS? A few things. Any session where you are pushing your heart rate close to its max (80% or more) is likely going to be a tax on the CNS. Any S&C session where you are performing heavy, compound movements is going to be a high tax on the CNS too. Conversely, sessions that are going to have a low tax on the CNS will be ones where you stay in ‘zone 2’ (where you do not let your heart rate go above 70% of its max for a prolonged period of time), or where the movements you perform do not involve your whole body but rather selected, isolated joints.
CNS programming can be complicated. Programmes structured under this principle are going to look different for each athlete depending on their sport, their workload capacity and how quickly they can recover. Therefore, this will require you to undertake your own research and self-experiments, to find the programme that works for you. To give you an example this is my weekly programme as a submission grappler, for when I am out of season (do not have any competitions coming up in the next couple of months):
Monday
High CNS tax: wrestling drills and hard rounds.
Tuesday
Moderate to high CNS tax: BJJ drills and rounds.
Wednesday
Low CNS tax: 60-90 minutes zone 2 cardio (run, shadow box/wrestle, swim, etc).
Thursday
High CNS tax: Heavy lower body S&C (squats, deadlifts, sprints, plyometrics, etc) or BJJ drills and hard rounds.
Friday
Low CNS tax: Higher rep, bodybuilding-style, upper body S&C (presses, rows and isolation based movements) and light BJJ drills.
Saturday
High CNS tax: wrestling drills and hard rounds.
Sunday
Low CNS tax: 60-90 minutes zone 2 cardio (run, shadow box/wrestle, swim, etc).
Do not use my program as gospel. Find what works for you, and make sure to alter it accordingly depending on whether you are in-season/camp or out of season/camp. However I would highly recommend using the principles of CNS programming to create a training programme that is going to allow you to recover optimally, and get the best out of your training sessions each week.
Have any questions about CNS programming or anything else S&C related? Send me a message on Instagram @arunwaglelept.
Caught in the Moment
I would like to leave you with a photo that I have taken. A moment that I took myself out of briefly, in order to try and capture it.
Snow Day
How much better would Winter be if it was actual Winter, i.e. it snowed. If you are one of those strange folk that hates it, then the snow is falling on deaf ears. However I imagine to most reading, you will feel me on this one. Snow is magic and it makes everything beautiful. It even makes Soviet Russia look pretty alluring.
This photo was taken last January, on a snowy day in Snowdonia. This was the first time I had been out in the snow properly for years, as most places in the UK do not experience it as an annual occurrence like we used to. Up on the mountains the snow was hip deep in places. It was both fun and thrilling - snow is such a rare experience that it makes you feel as though you are in a dream.
This is to say, snow is great. And if the snow is not coming to you this winter, you need to go to the snow. It snows regularly in Winter, in places in the UK such as Snowdonia, the Lake District, and of course Scotland. So take advantage of it and get out there, at least once a year. Snow is amazing weather for the soul, which can be much needed in Winter. Get out there and find some.